Too Much Thinking

I saw a quote today about mental health from a page/brand I love so much and yet I hated everything about the quote that did no harm to me whatsoever. It said, “I give myself permission to grow and heal at my own pace.” Such a lovely sentiment that is very true and is not taken lightly by me, on a normal day. On a good day, when I’m feeling great about my progress in therapy and my overall wellbeing, I’d be so excitedly passionate about this post and wanting to spread the positivity this message holds. But today it frankly pissed me off. I feel mad and stuck because that’s how I’m feeling in my own healing process right now and it has absolutely nothing to do with the quote itself because it’s generally very positive. I’m just overall exhausted by how much I feel my brain working and trying to change old patterns of thought/habits that I have so ingrained in me that it’s fucking frustrating to think that my healing journey is “at my own pace”. I don’t want to go at my own pace or be patient with myself to end so many cycles because those cycles aren’t benefitting me at all. They’re actually holding me back so much from becoming the person I want to be and I’m tired of it. I’m sick of it! There’s so much going on in my brain all the time and I just want it to shut the fuck up sometimes.

I don’t want this message to sound like I’m unhappy in my life, because honestly, I’m actually feeling the best I’ve ever felt in terms of just being comfortable and happy about who I am and the person I’m turning out to be. I love being a lesbian and for a long time I couldn’t even admit that part of myself to me let alone anyone else even though I knew it was true from the start. I love it! I love that I’m unlearning unhealthy patterns and trying to create a better, healthier life for myself. And in the spirit of being redundant, I just love that I’m happier and happier with myself every single day, and I’m so beyond grateful that I’ve finally come to this. HOWEVER, I’m a huge over-thinker. So adding that on top of trying to analyze my thoughts and being introspective about my habits, thought patterns, and everything in between it’s a fucking lot. I was talking with my therapist about this the other day and she said “So just take a break.” And it sounded so nice and felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders — in the moment. But then I remembered the next day when I was overthinking something that I don’t actually know how to fucking do that lol. I don’t know how to stop my every thought and be comfortable with that. What if I fail? What if I do something wrong? What if I do something right? Yes, I technically can give myself permission to grow and heal at my own pace, but my pace feels so slow it’s driving me insane. And the worst part about it is, I’m completely in control of how slow or fast I make this process go, but I don’t feel like I’m doing this thing right right now. Or maybe I’m not in control of it, given how many years of my life I’m unlearning and that’s the whole point. SEE HOW NUANCED THIS IS?! I’m not frustrated at all and it’s definitely not obvious either. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come, but I’m also not done doing the work and I’m aggravated because I feel like I’m slowing myself down:) I just want to be over the overthinking part.

HapThurs, bye!