Chaos?

I really should start putting out like happy journals so you guys don’t think I’m freaking out all the time lol. Truth is when I’m feeling some type of way, I write. And most of the time it’s when I’m sad or looking for validation or attention or feeling lonely or angry or lost or wanting to process something and think that writing will help but it really is probably just my way of avoiding things. This MAY OR MAY NOT BE the case. It’s 100% the fact that I’m avoiding things, I won’t leave you on a cliff hanger because I’m a saint. You’re welcome. I’m feeling so many things but I don’t want to give them the time they deserve to be processed right now so I’m writing about how I’m avoiding them.

My therapist thinks I invite chaos into my life (pause for effect). She’s obviously great at her job, so I’d never doubt her. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s already been done hahaha. Writing with my head down, laughing at myself as I’m typing this. There are a lot of reasons why I’ve been feeling the way I do lately, but the main ones are that I keep trying not to look for validation… and then I just go searching for it in different places once I realize I’ve been looking for said validation – being up to no good is what I call that –  in one of those many places. It’s like a form of disguised distraction and it’s really sneaky and hard for me to recognize sometimes. So I just go looking for the next way to get validation either from myself or others, mostly others, only to realize I’m doing the same shit. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. And that, my friend, is called a cycle.

Examples include: Posting too much on social media. Don’t look at me I’m innocent!! One could argue I don’t post as much as the next person (me making excuses). But now I have to slow that down, even though I’m ironically gonna post this link to my socials after I’m done writing this. It was fun while it lasted. I almost downloaded a dating app tonight even though that’s like the worst thing I could do for myself right now. See! Seeking validation. Times like these are when I absolutely shouldn’t even think about doing that. So in a way, me posting this is probably the best thing I could be doing for myself!!! Someone tell my therapist I’m being good. She’ll be so proud. 

No but actually, she’s been telling me for the last month-ish to start introspecting on certain things and, of course, I’ve been avoiding that, too. This post is chaos in and of itself hahahaha

Who wants to think about why they feel certain emotions? No one, and not me. I thought I already did that. In fact, I thought that was my entire life’s work. Basically a pro at introspection! But turns out I’m just self-aware. That’s half the battle – I’ll give myself credit for that – but I haven’t won it by any means. It’s honestly too much fucking work. I won’t be quitting, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted. I’m just suuuuuuuperfrustrated and wish someone else could do this work for me. 

I don’t want any feedback on how I’m not doing what my therapist told me to do. This is my safe space, and I’d like to keep it that way okay?! Pleaseeeeeee I beg of you.

Grace, out.