To: Grace
For the first time ever, I feel like I’m getting more comfortable setting my own boundaries. And BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD, let me tell you!! It’s times like these where I see progress from all of the work I’ve been doing in therapy over the last three years, and I start to reflect back on the high school version of me, forver wondering who was going to save her from herself. I always wanted it to be me, but I had no fucking clue how I was going to get there, or if I ever really could. I never trusted the person I was, the decisions I made, or how I presented myself to the world which is entirely understandable because it’s hard to do that when you have no idea who the fuck you are, and you’re lying to everyone else, including yourself, about that very thing.
That last statement was a run-on sentence, I fear, but damn was it great line!!
I always thought in some grand version of my ideal world that a knight in shining armor (gross) would swoop in and steal me away from my own inner monologue, and with that, all my insecurities and trials, or what have you. Obviously, looking at that through the lens of all the life I’ve lived since then and the experiences I’ve gained, that sounds like a really fucking awful alternative to the seemingly unconventional one – in comparison to high school Grace’s version of reality – I’ve forged for myself to this day. I can’t begin to put into words how satisfying and fulfilling my life is now more than ever just through the boundaries I’ve been able to set, not only with myself within the last year or so, but with the people in my circle as well.
I’m establishing what I need with other people, and I’m becoming more confrontational in a way that feels authentic to me. I honestly could get emotional about how proud I am of the fact that I’m starting to find the strength to be this person for little me. I’m turning into the woman I always wanted to be, and I’m beyond grateful for it.
Like always, again, this is not to say that I’m perfect at setting boundaries every single time the opportunity is presented; HOWEVER, when I am given the opportunity, I am now more so taking it, rather than letting it pass me by and drawing a line where I feel is needed. This is still a work in progress for me, and a lot of the time, I find it very challenging to do, especially in the most productive and healthy way that I can. Like number one, try setting a boundary, from someone who hated doing that for most of her life, and then number 2, bring on that added layer of trying to COMMUNICATE that EFFECTIVELY???? Absolutely not. That’s like 10 mountains I need to climb, and I don’t climb mountains. But I’m starting to. Saying how you feel is really something, huh? :)
