Something Dramatic
Anxiety attacks feel like a tear in the soul I swear. It’s like it sits there for however long you choose to avoid it and the second you don’t it hits you. Dramatic to say, but it’s honestly felt like my chest has been bruised from the second I woke up today. I’ve had this deep feeling of loneliness for awhile now and it’s definitely been catching up to me. I hate to be pessimistic but damn. I’m tired of being single. I just want to meet my person, because honestly dating is some BS. I hate navigating my attachment styles and learning how to communicate in healthy ways. Dating has never been more stressful to me. Before I came out, it honestly made me so anxious because I knew dating men felt wrong deep down. I really thought all my problems would be fixed the second I came out. Some of them were, like not being stressed all the time that I’d be outed or that I’d get rejected by people in my life. But actually figuring out how I feel???? FUCK THAT. Dating is so fucking stressful and I truly don’t know that I find joy in it. It’s like I crave connection and want a relationship, but I feel so insecure and anxiously attached that it drives me crazy. So whatever the situation may be, whatever kind of relationship I may have, ends. All for different reasons, but I’m not totally innocent. And by relationship, I mean extremely short term. Can’t seem to make one last. I feel like I have a pretty good gut instinct about people I meet, but I also think I may let my judgements early on get in the way of anything good. Needless to say, I’m so fucking lost and I want to give up. Guess I’ll just contradict myself for the rest of my life. It’s a good thing I’m in therapy but it doesn’t make things any easier sometimes. Watch, I probably just need to go for a walk or something to feel better and I’ll regret writing this. If you don’t see this post in an hour, that’s why. I’M WORKING ON IT.
Note: I just came here to vent. Didn’t look this over or really put any thought into it. Just my own attempt at working through my feelings and chose to post it in an attempt to be vulnerable or whatever
