Scared to Chase
These last couple of months have been kind of hectic for me. After the holidays I was really questioning whether I saw myself in Chicago for another year or if I wanted to move somewhere else. I had an itch to move out west, but I didn’t know where. And to make matters even more complicated, my lease was ending at the beginning of March. With all of this back and forth on what to do, I thought it would be most logical for me to try and work permanently remotely and move back home to Indianapolis and live with my parents to buy myself some time while I figured out what was next for me as far as where I wanted to move next. Plot twist: I ended up getting laid off at the end of January, so things started to change pretty quickly from that point forward. It truly sucked, but there were a lot of positives about my situation. Like for instance, my lease ending in March…funny how the thing I was worried about most was actually the best thing to happen. This meant that I could move home and not have to stress about finding another job right away to make up for my rent payments. On top of that, at least it’s only me I have to think about. I knew I could come back from this. But even with those silver linings, it still sucked to not be able to end that chapter of my life on my own terms. I wasn’t ready to lose my job and say goodbye that fast. I’ve said it before, but this dream of moving to Chicago and idealistically being the happiest I’ve ever been – and I was for a good portion of my time there – didn’t end up the way I wanted it to. I was only in the beginning stages of being ready to move on, but not like that. There wasn’t anything I could do about it though, so I took the next couple of weeks to start mentally preparing as much as I could for a move back home with relatively no plan in sight. Sounds familiar right? I mean that’s how this whole thing started in the first place. Seems only fitting to end that way, too.
It’s been just over a month now, and I’ve claimed my old room in my parent’s house yet again, and I didn’t even have to fight anyone for it! Being the youngest has its perks:) As far as that dreaded thing called a plan, I still don’t really have one. Well, I do, but it’s vague and unconventional and there’s no timeline for any of it. Even though I lost my job, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to take advantage of my new-found freedom and really hone in on the things that I like and/or have wanted to pursue but felt I couldn’t for one reason or another. I’ve signed up for a photography class this month, and before you think I have any experience with photography, I don’t. I just think it’s cool and it intrigues me, so I’m taking a class. I’ve also been wanting to explore my interest in fashion. Again, don’t know exactly which part about it I’d want to pursue, but I’m going to. I’ve just always thought it to be fun and exciting, so whether I do that by watching youtube videos of how to sew or taking actual classes somewhere, I still need to figure that out. I just think it’s time for me to push myself in the ways I’ve wanted to for a while rather than trying to do the smart or logical thing – minus the whole moving to Chicago on a whim thing (even though it was fun to be spontaneous like that). It’s just kind of nerve-wracking to not have a solid plan because it feels risky and scary. In my eyes, that’s because it is.
I’ve learned so much this last year living on my own in a big city, and I’ll never take that for granted. One of the biggest lessons I learned being that even though I may be taking a huge risk, there’s a lot to be learned from it. Along with the growth and sense of reward that I’ll hopefully feel from taking a leap like this. It could also be a huge mistake, but I won’t know that until it happens. As much as I thought I’d be in Chicago for a long time, it just wasn’t meant to last. It doesn’t make it any less hard to adjust knowing that I wanted to move on from it, but I know I’m still on the right path even if I have no clue what lies ahead.
