Intro

Today’s the day I finally bite the bullet and start this thing. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a couple of years now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is something I want to take a risk on. It could be a total flop, but you only live once…does anyone really know what they’re doing anyway? I’m not sure which direction this blog will take at any given point, but I do have some ideas and things I’d like to share. So I’m winging it.

I’m going to start by telling a part of my story, some of the things that I felt held me back from doing this. I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I feel comfortable sharing parts of myself that only the people in it have known up until this point. One of the biggest reasons I couldn’t go through with this two years ago was that personally, I felt I would be lying to everyone about myself and who I was deep down. I was already lying to enough people about parts of me that I kept hidden for so long. I had work to do, and I wasn’t going to add any extra pressure at the time until I had figured some things out. By no means have I solved all my problems or handle things flawlessly now—again, that was only two years ago—but I have done enough of the work (thank you therapy) to feel like I can allow myself to do this. It may seem like nothing to some people, and to others, it could be everything. I, myself, thought it was everything, too. I think I’ve beaten around the bush enough, but I wanted to paint some kind of picture to show what it’s been like, and ultimately led me to put this off. All this to say, I struggled with my sexuality for years knowing that I like women. I’m still figuring it all out, and at this point, I don’t like the idea of labels. It seems limiting to me, and for all I know, there’s still a part of myself that’s interested in men, too. I’ve got a lot of life to live yet and I’m staying label-less for now. This will not be my sole focus for this space by any means. It was, however, a very big factor that I let control so many aspects for the better part of 24 years, so it does have some significance. There may have been other reasons that I tacked onto why I did or didn’t want to do something (valid or not), but often I found this to be at the core of those decisions. It’s been a little over a year since I began sharing that side of myself with my family and friends, and I can definitely say I didn’t realize the weight I was carrying all that time. From the moment I began to understand what was going on around age ten, I did a number on my mental, emotional, and I strongly believe that my stress and anxiety played into my physical health as well. I’ve had some time to reflect on it and I truly can’t imagine living like that ever again. Secrets of that magnitude are so painful to carry alone. Growing up with it caused me to have this heightened baseline of anxiety that I just normalized for myself and blindly accepted the repercussions of. Unfortunately, that’s the case for many people whether it be for a short or long period of time. I’m lucky it turned out as well as it did, not losing anyone in the process.

Be that as it may, it wasn’t the only reason why I put off writing about myself in a public forum. That was the main driver, but not the only one. I had talked myself into believing that no one would care about what I had to say, which is still very possible! I mean honestly, I’m 25 and only just moved out of my parent’s house this past February…still have a lot to learn. But then I realized, that was all part of my fear feeding those thoughts. The fear of not causing conflict, the fear of being disliked, the fear of being judged by people I don’t even know. I won’t let it be the thing holding me back from what I want now, even if I have to keep fighting those insecurities as I move through this new chapter. This blog as a whole will focus on me as well as others in the sense that I want to build a community within it and bring people together. Though, my vulnerability here in this post is for me. We all have a story worth telling, and I want to share mine.

I’m not an expert in any topic, but I have a good feeling about this. In the end, I tried something that for the longest time I believed I would never be able to do.

…here goes nothing